I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
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School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Yup.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
i love meeting boys on tinder
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]