I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
You Might Also Like
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Google reviews are always so mixed..