I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
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ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
There is wisdom there.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.