I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
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godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.