I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
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HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
me working on my assignments ^-^
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!