@ianduhig: "I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!"
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@Godhatespants: Actual air attendant: "Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st"
@RealSugarFree: I play a drinking game where i drink everytime i get an answer right on Jeopardy. Its a good way to stay sober.
@sarcasm_inc: *approaches your table* Magic trick? *I hold out some cards with fake hands while my real hand pokes out of my shirt and steals your burger*
@amishschool: Dropped mother-in-law at airport. Her flight isn't until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.