How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
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[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
#Caturday
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all