@ianduhig: "I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!"
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@AddTequila: Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos, I get excited. Because I know she's legal and willing to do stuff she may regret.
@XplodingUnicorn: If you still have a landline, I assume you also own a butter churn and ride a dinosaur to work.
@FrogAvalanche: Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog. *son looks at carrot* Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them! Son: This is updoc. Mother: What's-