“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
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Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
“Why you watching this shit?”
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?