I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
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I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!