@TheTweetOfGod: I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
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@TheTweetOfGod: I've said it before and I'll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
@cjwerleman: When Obama declared war on Ebola, an executive producer at Fox News tried to find it on google maps.
@lazerdoov: *in a job interview* No no it's not a teardrop tattoo it's supposed to be sweat. It shows I'm a hard worker