@TheTweetOfGod: I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
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@mrjohndarby: [inventor of the snooze button] ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let's add something to make them useless
@SirEviscerate: [Wrench factory] BOSS: I'm proud to say it's been 250 days without an injury! WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
@KalvinMacleod: BANK TELLER: to open an account I'll need a first name ME: Robin BT: and a last? ME: Dabanc BT: so ur Robin Dabanc Me: *slowly reveals gun*
@jackmackenroth: Lately I've been getting in touch with my inner self. I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.