I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
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[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Okay me first
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!