@krishna_van: I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
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@mjkspeaks: God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
@RickAaron: I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don't have any laser hair.
@SirEviscerate: Under 'medical history', we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote "Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928".
@lloydrang: People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say "Oh, look, a dead bird," and you look UP, we take your phone away