I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
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That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys