“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
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I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.