@nice_mustard: "i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you're my only hope" "use divorce, luke"
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@jenstatsky: Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I'd like to steal from a bank.
@PrettiestPickle: Drinking game. Make the drunkest person in the room call in a Chinese food order. Every time they have to repeat themselves, take a shot.
@DanMentos: "If you're having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son." -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it's a boy.
@KenJennings: Yes, in fact I DO know what it's like to bleed like crazy once a month. That's my flossing schedule.