“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
You Might Also Like
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
*weighs self after shaving
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
yeah 😭
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.