@MariyaAlexander: I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
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@ArfMeasures: GF: So we just wanted to say we're engaged! HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first ME: You're not really my type though
@TheOneTrueDisco: If I died and went directly to hell it would take me a month to realize I wasn't at work.
@AndyRichter: Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people "the last thing the police need is spectators"
@Chumpstring: [used car] ME: my credit's bad SALESMAN: k ME: i'm a criminal SALESMAN: no law against that ME: i'm on the run SALESMAN: then you need a car