I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
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“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Rather alarming headline…
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”