I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
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Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*