1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
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My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.