Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
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I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!