I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
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why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.