Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
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Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Danger is very dangerous
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent