kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
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“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”