MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
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Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
I saw this ending much differently.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.