‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
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It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
me as a parent
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.