I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
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When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.