I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
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What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?