I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
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Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Go hard or stay average
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.