Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
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Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
My therapist after every session
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.