@onlinepope: I apologize for referring to your newborn baby as a Questionable Spinoff
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@JohnLyonTweets: I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis' house.
@FinnMcIver: I really hate it when people repeat something twice when making a point. don't do that guys, don't do that.
@dafloydsta: [on Dating Game] HER: Contestant 1, what are you wearing? [I glance at the stains on my shirt] ME: *lips on mic* Looks like gravy, Diane.
@EricGoldie: Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA for "here's a beech tree and some nails."