I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
You Might Also Like
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
How your email finds me
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12