@goldengateblond: I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
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@ImFunnyMang: And on the 32nd day, God had forgotten to end his free trial, so he was charged for the month.
@ShawnIzadi: That moment you could pass as an Olympic speed walker because you are racing to the bathroom.
@CruisinSoozan: Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex. The monkey's name is Earl. He bites.