I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
You Might Also Like
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
But that’s none of my business
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.