I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
You Might Also Like
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan