I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
You Might Also Like
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
584.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?