I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
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If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’