@JVarsityCaptain: Coworker: got a second? Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

@Mikecanrant: Think about a nice pair of slacks. Now think about a panda. Now about radishes. Now about salt. I think you see where Im going with this.

@WilliamRodgers: How to become a Saint 1: Become Catholic 2: Live an exemplary and pious life 3: Perform at least two miracles Or...Just Be Kanye's baby

@mllebeckyrose: I'm sorry I slapped you but you didn't seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

@DaveAmiott: Author: So, I've got this children's book. It's about a hungry caterpillar. Agent: Pass Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar. Agent: Go on...