@TattleTSister: You're an open book? "Throws you into a bonfire."

@SortaBad: *hears a man crying in a bathroom stall at work* "Excuse me, are you okay? Because you're kinda stealing my thing"

@DamienFahey: I love restaurants that have signs like "Since 1916". It's a great way to know the place you're eating at was probably super racist.

@chapel3929: *deathbed* All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family* getting down to this... sick... beat *dies* *widow rolls eyes*

@CopBroughtPizza: [car dealership] "it's just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle." fred flintstone: i'll take it!