writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
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Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Art by Pastelkatto
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I hope they boil the right one.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper