the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
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So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.