being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
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[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
The government even made aliens boring
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”