I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
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So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Not even remotely sorry.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible