i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
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First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.