@rachelle_mandik: i ask my toddler what's in the box she's holding. "chaos!" she replies. "chaos! chaos!" i know she's trying to say "crayons," but it's not like she's wrong.
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@amydillon: Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I'm really good at yelling at people.
@Megatronic13: Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away Husband: I said I would do it Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
@weismanjake: If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime" just say "I'm ready to hang out right now" and watch them panic
@matthandlersux: a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans