i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
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Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Noah