I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
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Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.