I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
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Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.