@Th3BadGuy__: I asked a girl to kiss me under a mistletoe and she said she wouldn't kiss me under anesthesia.
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@iwearaonesie: wife: Why was that guy yelling at you? [flashback to me ignoring the "one per customer" sign] me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
@SirEviscerate: If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you're resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
@Token_Geezer: The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline