given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash
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He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie