I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
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My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.