“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
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When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Sponch
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Breaking news:
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven