I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
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me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Lmaoo 😂
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.