Owl Sanctuary
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Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Who called it baking and not making love
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question