That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
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“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
You can’t rush stupid.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.