I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
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The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful