I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
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A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
no refunds
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
#TopTip
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*