I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
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Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Trying
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .