I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
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[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Cashiers are always checking me out
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem