@mkpaulsen: I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
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@T_Bonezzz: If you're with me when I die, remember 2 things: 1) Do Not Resuscitate 2) Smash Phone on Ground
@SuperTeeWhy: Jaws (2015): "(cell phone) Hi Coast Guard, yeah a shark is banging my boat oh you're on your way great thanks"
@ericsshadow: [talking to son on the phone] "I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police" I'm sorry. We've been very busy with the holidays and all.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: You think if I tell my dad "30 is the new 20" he'll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?