I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
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Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
An odd boast
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.