I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
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*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.