@alispagnola: I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, "helium." Also, my friend is a balloon.
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@DeepDarkFear: If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
@jngraphs: *Writes a song for you* *Sings it under your bedroom window* *You call the cops* *Your husband falls in love with me*
@alexqarbuckle: Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
@TheHyyyype: [commandos infiltrating enemy fortress] COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we've got company! COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*